Three Chairs

Of Ice Crystals and Chickens

"The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't."

~ Henry Ward Beecher

I think it can be hard, as parents, to stow away our baggage and trust that our kids might experience life's ups and downs differently than we did.  Social dynamics can be a sticky mess for our little people, and a lot of what my kids experience at school throws me right back to the 1st grade.  There I am with my shag haircut, apron dress, and unibrow.

This was the conversation between me and my two sons in the car yesterday.  

D = 7-years-old; A = 9-years-old.

D: Sometimes Cooper is really mean on the bus.  He took Scott's hat and made him cry and I had to tell the busdriver. Today he leaned over my seat and told me that I'm not allowed to have any clubs, and that he was coming to my house to babysit tonight.

Me: Honey, there is no way that I would let a fourth grader babysit you.  He's not babysitting.  And it doesn't matter if he tells you that you can't have clubs.  He has no... jurisdiction over you.  No control.  It would be like telling you that you're not allowed to eat dinner. 

D: But he told me I can't have any clubs!

Me: Do you know what you should do?

D: What?

A: Punch him in the nose!

Me: Do not punch him.  Ignore him.

D, incredulous: I mean, doesn't he know that I'm the Head Boss of the Godzilla Club?

A: You have a Godzilla Club?

D: Yup.

A: Who's in it?

D: No one. I haven't asked anyone yet.  But I will.  I'll sign them up at school and we'll have meetings in my bedroom at home.

Me: I was talking to your teacher today, and she said you have another club, something about ice crystals?

D: Yeah, the Ice Crystal Digger Club.  I'm the Head Boss.  We dig for ice crystals.

A: Is anyone in that one?

D: Yeah, a lot of kids. Except they all left my club today to go be in the Chicken Club, where all you do is bang on sticks.

Me: What?  They left?  What's a Chicken Club?

D: I don't know, it's stupid, you just pretend sticks are chickens.

Me: Why did they all leave the club?

D: I don't know!  They just all left!

Me, feeling sad: Does it make you really...  sad that everyone left your club?

D: No.  It makes me furrous.

Me: Furious?

D: Yeah.

Me: Do you you want to join the Chicken Club?

D: I would never join that club!  NEV-AH!

A: You don't know, it might be fun.

D: NEV-AH!

My seven-year-old stands resilent against the mass exodus of his club.  I'm pretty sure I'd be scheduled to see the school social worker by now.  He's proud to be the Head Boss of not one, but two clubs*, and it doesn't seem to bother him that no one else is in the clubs.  Is this confidence, stubborness, or some combination of the two?

The fine line, of course, is teaching him some flexibility so that he might eventually wander over to the Chicken Club and enjoy himself, or ask his friends why they left the Ice Crystal Diggers Club in the first place.  I have a feeling he's not the easiest 1st grader to work for.

I'm just going to have to pack up my own 1st grade baggage and keep it well out of the way of the Head Boss.  He'll navigate his own way, I have no doubt, through the inevitable conflicts between ice crystals and chickens.

*actually, he has a Fake Mustache Club, too, which I had forgotten about until he reminded me.

 

That's not my art

"Art should astonish, transmute, transfix. One must work at the tissue between truth and paranoia."

 ~ Brett Whitely

Today I went to see this Ansel Adams exhibit.  I saw 70, original, signed pieces and I came away feeling that I should never, ever, pick up my camera again, for fear of further bastardizing the brilliance of the art form that this man just about perfected. 

Recently this photograph, Rhine II, sold for 4.3 million dollars.  It's by Andreas Gursky.

Really?  I've read arguments justifying the $4.3 million, and I've read the confusion.  Personally, I don't get it.  It may be technically outstanding in terms of digital editing; it may be vibrant and large scale; it may challenge what some see as the place of photography in the art world.  But...

It illicits nothing in me.

So, back to Ansel Adams.  You want to talk about technical masterpieces? Have you taken a look at Tetons and Snake River lately?

I stood in front of this original, signed print this morning, and it brought tears to my eyes.  The details, the tones, the composition, the printing... it all comes together as a masterpiece that illicits an emotional reaction.  Don't even get me started on Moonrise, Hernandes, New Mexico.

I understand that a lot of people are sort of tired of Ansel Adams.  He's overexposed, if you'll pardon the pun.  Most people probably associate his work with wall calendars and postcards.  But that doesn't change the brilliance of his work.

Perhaps I need to go stand in front of the Gursky to see if being in front of it stirs my soul even just a little bit.  It's not that I don't like his work.  I like his work quite well.  I like this one, Beach, in particular.

Shanghai, too.

I like them a lot more than Rhine II.  But I don't like them $4.3 million's worth.  If I had $4.3 million - hell, if I had $4,300, to spend on art work, I would scour the art world for something that spoke to me, something that I could stare at and reflect upon for the rest of my life.  That's what I'd like to ask the buyer of Rhine II.  I'd like to ask that person what Rhine II says to them.  

Duchamp said that anything an artist produces is art.  That's a pretty broad definition, and maybe that's how Piero Manzoni got away with packing his own excrement in a can and selling it as "art."

I don't believe that a definition of art is relevant unless it resonates with the individual looking at the art.  If the piece does't speak to me, it's not my art.  It might be "art" - it might be someone else's art, but it isn't my art.  

Rhine II isn't my art. 

Santa wasn't one of the three wise men

"Christmas is the gentlest, loveliest festival of the revolving year - and yet, for all that, when it speaks, its voice has strong authority."

 ~ W.J. Cameron 

The boys and I got all the Christmas decorations out tonight.  I sort of had to, because my next door neighbor, whom I love, is Jewish, and she has a tree up, and outdoor lights, and I was feeling a little bit left out.

My husband jokes that she's double-dipping, but we both say more power to her.

Some may see it as another example of the de-Christ-ing of Christmas, but I think it's great that so many non-Christians celebrate on December 25th.  When I was a child I joyously celebrated Jesus' birthday, and was thrilled that for some reason, I was the one getting all the presents.  As I grew older my belief system changed, and now I see Christmas as a day to celebrate family, tiny white lights, friends near and far, a food-laden table, and the silent arrival of a snow-covered winter.

Why be upset that non-Christians celebrate this day?  They, too, can bring tidings of joy.  Think of it as a continuum.  On the left side you have the Grinch.  On the right side you have little Cindy Lou Who.  Throughout the year all the people on this continuum are going about their daily business in their own flawed, human way.  Then on one day, they all shift - maybe a little, maybe a lot, toward the right.  They shift toward a generous spirit, the close bond of family, love and cheer.  They donate coats, food, and toys; they write cards and letters to people they haven't seen in years; they think about what someone else might like.  They give.  Who wouldn't welcome that as an acceptable meaning of Christmas?

If you really, really want Christmas to be about the birth of Jesus, you'd need to change a lot of things about December 25th.  First, you'd need to change it to sometime in September, when most biblical historians believe Jesus was really born (shephards don't shephard in December).  Second, you'd need to turn the gift-giving around and give only to the poor and to those living in homeless shelters (today's manger).  Third, you'd probably need to remove Santa from the scene.  He was not one of the three wise men and he has nothing to do with Jesus.  Your kids are going to be pissed, but there you have it.  No reindeer, either.  Same for the tree.  No tree for Jesus.  And for Pete's sake, let's get rid of that creepy elf.

I don't see a lot of people celebrating Jesus' birth that way, though.  I see them in the toy aisles at Target, buying Fraser Pines for the living room, and sending their kids' letters to Santa.  They're angry that we've taken the Christ out of Christmas, without giving much thought to how much non-Christ stuff they themselves are cramming into Christmas.

Christmas has become bigger than a birthday.  It started out as a Roman pagan holiday to celebrate Saturnalia, and then was co-opted by Christians to more easily convert the masses.  It has evolved and changed over the years, but at its heart it is the same: it is about welcoming family, expressing love through the exchange of gifts, helping those less fortunate, and sharing a meal together.  Sure, the kids are shooting themselves with BB guns and your cousin Kevin just knocked down the 14-foot Christmas tree, but there is nothing, nothing at all, like the anticipation and magic leading up to Christmas.  Everyone deserves to feel and take part in that if they so choose.  The birthday boy would want it that way.

 

Aber(sex)crombie(sex) & Fitch(sex)

"In advertising, sex sells.  But only if you're selling sex."

~ Jeff I Richards

Yesterday I got an email from a friend, who got it from her friend, who got it from her friend.  It was written to Abercrombie & Fitch by a woman in my community and school district, and signed with her name, address, phone number and email address so that A&F can easily respond to her.  I'm reprinting the letter without her contact information, and I encourage you to seriously consider her message.

"To Whom It May Concern:  

The story starts off great.  It was a lazy Saturday afternoon with my 12 year old daughter for a trip to Northbrook Court.  I relished the one on one time with her, to experience her world, and to chit chat about her latest likes and dislikes. While she has been an avid fan of Abercrombie, your store for a ‘younger audience’, I have always detested it.  The heavy perfume, incessant loud music, dark lighting and of course, photos on walls that always toe of line of inappropriate for their blatant sexuality.  However, I tolerated it and even spent our fair share of hard earned money so my daughter could have an overpriced, undersized pair of Abercrombie jeans, t-shirt or denim shorts.  Never again. 

This trip to the mall, my daughter wanted to shop at Abercrombie & Fitch (A&F).  Upon walking in the store, I was struck by the shocking pornographic images (attached).  I immediately went to one of the sales associates who, when I inquired why we needed to be exposed to pornography, replied sheepishly “I know, we get a lot of complaints.”  I then addressed it with the store manager and, he too, nodded in agreement but did try to share what I’m sure is your “company line”.  This store is for “our more adult clientele”, he stated.  Adult? Did he really just say that?  Are you referring to this shirt that fits my 12 year old daughter as adult I asked?  Further, I recalled to him, we had just been in and out of several other stores that cater to the tween/teen audience and not a single other store display such graphic images. Have you been in Forever XXI? No images there.  In fact, Abercrombie and A&F take the prize. They alone stand out as displaying such sexualized images.  

The attached image is truly most offensive. What does it teach our daughters? Your body is all that matters. Don’t expect any eye contact during intimate acts.  How about lessons for our sons?  Be in control. Don’t show your vulnerability.  

Until I see evidence of A&F removing these images from your stores, we will not be shopping there and I will do my best to discourage my vast circle of friends and family to do the same.  Negative word of mouth and perceptions of parents who make many of the purchasing decisions will not be good for your bottom line.

I look forward to your response.  
Sincerely,
Julie K."

Here's the image that Julie is talking about.

Abercrombie & Fitch won't be surprised by Julie's letter.  They've been getting lots and lots of press for their advertising tactics.  Google "Abercrombie & Fitch advertising" and you'll see what I mean. 

2003: "Clothing retailer Abercrombie & Fitch has stopped selling its sexually explicit Christmas catalog, saying its stores need the shelf space for its new women's fragrance line, A&FNOW. The company said it wasn't responding to pressure from any group." (full article here)

2008: "Police, saying they were responding to citizen complaints, carted away two large promotional photographs from the Abercrombie & Fitch store in Lynnhaven Mall on Saturday and cited the manager on obscenity charges." (full article here)

Abercrombie & Fitch has also been criticized for marketing push-up bikini tops to 7-year-olds, and for sexist messages on T-shirts, such as: "It's All Relative in West Virginia," "Who needs brains when you have these?" "Available for parties," and "I had a nightmare I was a brunette."

Oh, and they've been sued for racial discrimination, too.

Regarding the soft-porn advertising, some will undoubtedly say that kids are exposed to images like this all the time - on TV, at movies, at the mall (hello, Victoria Secret!) and on billboards.  This is real life, right?  Get over it!  Well, no.  Victoria's Secret sells bras, so it makes sense that their ads show women wearing... bras.  Are they oversexualized, airbrushed, Photoshopped misrepresentations of reality?  Yes.  But at least they feature the product being sold.

If you looked at the above Abercrombie & Fitch ad without knowing what it was for, you might think they were selling sex toys, Playboy magazine, or a strip club.  You might not realize that they're selling t-shirts and shorts to the tween-through-college set.  Sex sells.  Abercrombie is making tons and tons and tons of money: sales for the 3rd quarter of 2011 increased 21% to $1.076 billion; U.S. sales were up 14%; international sales were up 56%.

They will not, however, be making it from me and my family.

Girl Books that Boys Should Read

"When other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers I kind of wanted to be a vampire."

~ Angelina Jolie

In the first 19 weeks of my first pregnancy, I was absolutely convinced I was having a girl.  This was based on nothing.  I didn't hold a ring on a hair above my belly, or look at Chinese calendars, or do anything with Drano.  The reason I was convinced that I was having a girl was that I had to have a girl.  It was mandatory.  I looked back on my own life as a very insecure, conflicted, anxious girl, and at the path I had taken to become a confident, happy, independent woman, and I knew that the best thing I could do with those experiences was to pass the Cliff Notes on to my own girl.

Then in week 20 I found out I was having a boy.  What the hell was I going to do with all that girl-growing-into-a-strong-woman knowledge?  It took a few days, but when the answer came, it was crystal clear: I had an obligation to pass all of my hear-me-roar information on to my boy.  Perhaps it was just as important to pass it on to a boy as a girl, because boys are so intertwined in all the reasons that girls in our society are perceived the way they are, and why they perceive themselves the way they do.

So, here we are, nine+ years later, and I have two boys.  And yesterday, my nine-year-old boy, a voracious reader, said to me, completely out of the blue, "How come in all the books I read the girls are always worried, and the boys are always adventurous?" and I was reminded of my obligation.

In all fairness, he asked me why books portray things this way - he didn't do or say something that indicates that this is how he views the world.  But still, it gave me pause.  So I've decided to stack the decks a little bit, and I've asked my friends (and the internet) to suggest books that portray girls in an independent, strong, positive way.  This is the list that I've come up with so far.  If you leave your suggestions here, I'll edit them into the list.

• Airborn by Kenneth Oppel (grades 6 and up)
• Alanna (The Song of the Lionness series) by Tamora Pierce (grades 5 and up)
• Anne of Green Gables (series) by L.M. Montgomery (grades 4 and up)
• Brave Irene by William Steig (grades 1-4)
• Breadcrumbs by Anne Ursu (grades 3 and up)
• Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson (grades 4 and up)
• The City of Ember (Books of Ember series) by Jeanne DuPrau (grades 3 and up)
• Discworld series by Terry Pratchett (grades 7 and up)
• Eliza's Cherry Trees: Japan's Gift to America by Andrea Zimmerman (grades K and up)
• The Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia C. Wrede (grades 4 and up)
• The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate by Jacqueline Kelly (grades 4 and up)
• From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L. Konigsburg (grades 6 and up)
• The Great Wall of Lucy Wu by Wendy Wan-Long Shang (grades 3 and up)
• Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh (grades 5 and up)
• Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell (grades 5 and up)
• Island's End by Padma Venkatraman (grades 5 and up)
• Mahalia Mouse by John Lithgow (grades 3 and up) - added  to this list 12/9/11
• The Mysterious Benedict Society (series) by Trenton Lee Stewart (grades 3 and up)
• Odetta: The Queen of Folk by Stephan Alcorn (grades 1 and up)
• The Penderwicks Series by Jeanne Birdsall (grades 3 and up)
• Savvy by Ingrid Law (grades 3 and up)
• The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (grades 1 and up)
• A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket (grades 5 and up)
• Sister Bear: A Norse Tale by Jane Yolen (grades K and up)
• The Sisters Grimm (series) by Michael Buckley (grades 3 and up)
• The Taxing Case of the Cows: A True Story About Suffrage by Peqi Deitz Shea (grades 1 and up)
• Theodosia (series) by Yoko Tanaka (grades 3 and up)
• Tillie the Terrible Swede by Sue Stauffacher (grades K and up)
• Queen of the Falls by Chris Van Allsburg (grades 1 and up)
• Viola Desmund Won't Be Budged by Jody Nyasha Warner (grades K and up)
• Where the Mountain Meets the Moon by Grace Lin (grades 3 and up)
• Zita the Space Girl by Ben Hatke (grades 3 and up)

Other interesting stuff:

The Amelia Bloomer Project: Recommended Feminist Literature for Birth through 18

Flashlight Worthy: Books for Strong Girls in Middle School (and other great book lists and recs)

Good Reads: Popular Strong Girl Character Books (book reviews and lists)

www.arbookfind.com: Search for book titles based on authors, topics, or titles of books

Why Strong Female Characters are Bad for Women, an entertaining article by Shana Miawski

Tis the season of giving, but giving what?

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."

~ Lao Tzu

I love that we've all embraced that it's the thought that counts, and that it's better to give than to receive.  I think, though, we're only part way to finishing that thought.

What are we giving?  More stuff, right?  We're giving toys, clothes, books, gadgets, technology, and all manner of paraphernalia.  In our eagerness to make other people happy with all our giving-ness, we're still making it all about the stuff. 

This season's top sellers for adults are TVs and computer tablets, according to the Associated Press.  For kids, the National Retail Federation says that barbies, video games, and iPods are hot-ticket items.  China must be so very happy with us.

Who are we giving to?  Family, friends, maybe some co-workers, maybe some of our kids' teachers?  That's great, that's important, but that keeps our circle of giving pretty small, doesn't it?  What are we giving to that stranger in the check-out line in front of us, or to woman struggling with her weepy toddler at the library, or that guy driving next to us on the highway?

Can we extend giving to them?

I'm not talking about buying the clerk at 7-11 at TV.  I'm not talking about spending more, or taking more precious time out of our busy schedules, or exerting much energy at all.  But we can give of more ourselves, through generosity of spirit and attitude.  We can do little things that send the message that it's just not about us and ours - it's about all of us.

I'm not even talking about Random Acts of Kindness - although I'm all for those, too.  I'm talking about Kindness, period.

• Let that other car in front of you on the highway - you are not Mario Andretti
• Let the person with three items go ahead of your loaded cart at the grocery store
• Smile at the people you pass on the street
• Look people in the eye
• Thank people for anything you can thank them for
• Hold open a door
• Give compliments
• Ask if you can help
• Forgive someone
• Forgive yourself
• Shovel the neighbors sidewalk
• Hell, shovel your own sidewalk - the mail-person will appreciate it
• Don't flip off the person who is inevitably going to cut you off on the highway
• Don't ride their bumper, either.  Let them go.
• Write a thank you note
• Find someone with absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever and compliment their outfit
• Read your kids an extra book at bedtime
• Leave a good tip
• Give your seat to someone who looks like they need it
• Don't gossip
• Take the time to let little kids pet your dog (insert disclaimer about nice dogs here)
• Put your phone away during meals
• Call your mom (my own mom is rolling her eyes right now, because I don't call her nearly enough)
• Make extra Christmas cookies and drop them off at the teacher's lounge
• Get there on time
• Stop for pedestrians
• Give the janitor a Christmas/Holiday gift
• Say "bless you" and offer a tissue
• Don't pretend you don't see that person looking for a seat on the train  or bus - move your stuff
• Say "hello" and "goodbye"
• Think about the Golden Rule

I'm sure there's a lot more we can add to the list.  Feel free to drop off suggestions in the comments.  And go ahead and buy that stuff - it's one of the few times that we can indulge each other's more materialistic wishes, and it's fun.  But in the process of obtaining that stuff, let's all try to be nice.

Carrying compliments in my purse

"Well done is better than well said."

~ Benjamin Franklin

Once a week my youngest son goes to a pediatric therapist to work on some developmental issues that he has.  I do not enter into pediatric therapy lightly; the person working with my child needs to be committed and dedicated to the both my child and the process.  We've been working with the same provider now since February; in the beginning it was pretty rough going, but in the past three months I've seen tremendous progress in my little guy.

Ten days ago our provider handed me a feedback form and asked if I would fill it out for her.  The practice she works for has the therapists do this on a periodic basis; I think they use it both for employee evaluation and testimonial purposes.

I didn't think much of it at the time, but I sat down and filled it out.  It's basically a blank page with the company logo on it and "Feedback on Results" across the top.  There aren't any ratings or check boxes or questions.  You're just supposed to give your thoughts on the results you see in your child as a result of using their services.

I filled the page with thoughts about how hard this therapist has worked on her relationship with my child, how much progress he's made with her, and how her hard work has paid off in the school environment, as well as at home.  I didn't intend to focus so much on her and her dedication and care, but that's what it turned into.

I folded the paper in half and in half again, and stuck it in my purse.  I didn't think about it again until today, just before leaving her office.  We didn't review it, we didn't talk about it - I just took it out of my purse and handed it over.

Tonight I spent some time thinking about how I didn't do a great job complimenting anyone today, and that maybe I should expand my efforts into Random Acts of Kindness or something more actionable.  

Then I got an email from the therapist.

She wrote, in part, "Thanks for making my day! Your Feedback on Results form was so wonderful!"  

It all makes me think that maybe I'm just thinking about all of this too much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sheet of free compliments!

Target: Cosmic Vortex of Compliments

There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.

~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I went to Target today with nary a compliment on my mind.  I had come to the conclusion that thinking about giving compliments too much was like watching a pot boil, and that maybe if I just walked away from it, that compliment pot would boil right over.

It did.

Sure, I told someone that she smelled nice yesterday, and thanked someone else for being so helpful, and told my younger son that I really liked the way he handled something difficult, but I hadn't really delivered what I had in mind when I started this little project.

So there I was, at Target, perusing 5,000 rolls of wrapping paper.  Usually I run in and out of Target (as much as you can run in and out of a 126,000 square foot space), grabbing whatever is on my list and then getting out as quickly as possible.  Today, I had time.  Today I decided to walk up and down aisles I had never ventured into, like Auto, Home Improvement,  and Wall Decals (not it's own aisle, but they have them!). I carefully contemplated the Ben & Jerry's flavors, investigated colors of eye liner, and sniff-tested several bottles of hand soap.  I was even inspired to come up with a new system for hanging our Christmas cards, and bought two silver-tone Command Hooks to attach to either end of the fireplace mantel, and a spool of red fabric ribbon to tie between the hooks.  The cards will hang on the ribbon, and the boys' stockings will bookmark all the cards and hang from the hooks.

I digress.  Target does that to people.

So there I was, loading my new Easy-Fill Humidifier onto the check-out conveyer belt, when I looked up and saw the woman from the cafe; this was the same woman with the two small children whom I had so wanted to compliment about her way with her kids.

She smiled at me and said, "We seem to see you everywhere!"

We introduced ourselves, discovered we have mutual friends, and did the Child Bingo thing that all moms do ("Boy, 7, 1st grade; Boy, 9, 4th grade," etc.).  Then I went ahead and told her what I had been thinking when I saw her at the cafe, and she smiled and thanked me.  She didn't cry with gratitude or deny she's such a great mom and confess that she regularly lets them watch six hours of TV, or anything like that.  That compliment may have already slipped away from her, but that's OK, because it was good for me to give it.

What I've learned here is that:

• compliments don't have an expiration date
• the universe has got your back when you're trying to do something nice
• Target sells organic, lactose-free milk.

Let's see what tomorrow holds.

A compliment should not be like passing a stone

"The essence of pleasure is spontaneity."

~ Germaine Greer

This complimenting business is hard.  Here's how the day went:

1. I dropped my son off at school, where he is always greeted at the car by a teacher's aide.  I don't know today's aide very well, and as she walked to the car I wracked my brain for something to say to this cute, young, ponytailed woman.  I had nothing.  I asked her if she had a good Thanksgiving, she said yes, asked me if I did, I said yes, and then I told her to have a great day.  I drove away mentally slapping myself upside the head.

2. For lunch I went to a local cafe and ordered a bowl of soup.  I saw the same people I see there all the time: the same aproned busboy, the same accented barrista, the same exhausted owner.  I really, really don't want to give cosmetic compliments for the sake of giving compliments, so I refrained from things like, "I like your apron!" and "Those slip-proof loafers are great!"

Sitting a few tables away from me was a mom and two young kids, maybe three and five years old.  This mom was awesome.  She was engaged with her kids, calm, patient, and silly.  She never once looked at her phone, sighed onerously, or snapped when her daughter dropped the silverware for the 17th time.

I wanted to compliment this mom on how great she was with her kids, but how was I going to do that?  I didn't want to get up from my table, make a speech, and then go back to my table and watch her call her husband for back-up against the psycho lady in the restaurant.  She wouldn't be walking past me when she left, and she would be leaving first.  

What could I do?  I anguished, I did nothing, and then they left.

3. I went to the mall to do a bit of Christmas shopping.  I dealt with two sales people, both of whom were professional and friendly.  I said nothing unusual, just the regular "Thanks for your help!" kind of thing.  On the way out of the mall I was approached by a young man who wanted to sign me up for a Groupon-like service.  I listened to his presentation and noticed that his supervisor was closely observing him.  He made great eye contact, was comprehensive, answered my questions, and was never pushy.  I signed up for the (free) service, and then said, "Hey, you did a great job with that!"  He thanked me, but maybe more importantly, his supervisor smiled and nodded in agreement.

All-in-all, I don't think I'm doing very well so far, and here are some thoughts on why:

• Compliments need to be meaningful.  If you have to look too hard to find one, it will feel and sound forced.
• Compliments are like little gifts, and the timing needs to be right .  Practicing how to phrase everything and then imposing yourself into a situation to present your compliment will be weird for everyone.
• Sometimes, it's just freaking hard to put yourself out there.

I'm going back out there tomorrow, though, and I'm going to keep working on it.

Actions may speak louder than words, but words about actions are important, too.

"We are prepared for insults, but compliments leave us baffled."

~ Mason Cooley

I received three compliments this week.  Each have been on my mind for much longer than it took the person to think of and deliver them.  The first was from a friend, a comment that I looked great, like I had lost weight.  I think it's safe to say that in most cases, a woman wants to hear that she looks great, and loves the idea of having lost weight.  But who doesn't walk away from this compliment wondering if the person who delivered it thought that she needed to lose weight and perhaps needs to lose more?  And how many times has the person who delivers this compliment backtrack and say, "Not that you needed to, of course."  Of course.  I think that for this compliment, I would prefer a simple, "You look great!" Let me be clear, though - I fully understand that I'm looking a gift compliment in the mouth, and that the way I perceive it has nothing to do with my kind friend's intentions.

The second compliment was exactly the same as the first, but from a different friend and on a different day.

Here's a weird thing about these compliments: for about a month now I've been pretty sure that I've gained weight.  So how is it that I'm sure I've gained weight, and have thought about it rather negatively every single day, and then in one week two different people tell me they think I've lost weight?  Is that the universe yelling at me to shut the hell up already about my weight?  And how hard would I have to work to accept it as that, instead of focusing on the quiet and probably nonexistant subtext of that compliment?

The third compliment I received was from a complete stranger at the mall.  As I stood looking at a delightful display of assorted Pillow Pets, a woman came up to me and said something I didn't quite catch.  "Excuse me?" I said.  She repeated herself, the expression on her face open and warm, "You have great eyebrows!"  I admit, this one caught me off-guard.  Who compliments someone else on their eyebrows?  Well, probably someone who doesn't like her own eyebrows and spends an inordinate amount of time checking out other people's.

This leads to me to a theory that people compliment others on things that they themselves value.*  

Unlike the first two compliments, this one didn't fill me with any sense of dread about what the person really thought of me and my eyebrows.  Like the first two, this compliment seems to be some cosmic reflection of something I do spend quite a bit of time thinking about.  Yes, I think about my eyebrows a lot.  You would, too, if you were born with a unibrow that threatened to take over your face and many of the faces around you.  From the time I was about 16 I have plucked, waxed, trimmed, gelled, brushed, shaped, contoured and generally fretted over my eyebrows.  Some of this I do on a daily basis.

So, for a complete stranger to compliment my eyebrows?  That's the compliment jack pot.  That compliment is wearing an Olympic gold medal right now.  And what does it take for a compliment to go Olympic?  I think it has to meet certain criteria:

1. It should be from someone you aren't expecting it from (not necessarily a stranger; for example, in the eyebrow situation, this compliment would carry the same weight coming from my dad, the school janitor, or my doctor)
2. It should have no possible negative meaning (for example, "Your eyebrows look so much better now!" is not such a great compliment)
3. It should be about something that you highly value or feel insecure about (a compliment about my lip gloss is still a compliment, but not an Olympic compliment because my ability to pick out a color that someone else likes isn't really so important to me.  A compliment about my parenting skils, photography, baking or eyebrows are all highly rated.)

I don't think all compliments have to be Olympic gold.  Olympic bronze is awesome, too.  Hell, an Olympic qualifying compliment could turn my day around.  Actually, a compliment sitting in the Olympic stands is always welcome.

All of this pondering about compliments, how they're delivered, received, perceived and processed, has led me to think about how I compliment others.  To be totally honest, sometimes I hold back because I'm actually jealous of what the other person has.  Recognizing that and letting go of it is very freeing.  For example, there's a woman in my community that I don't know from Adam, but I see her many times a week.  She runs.  She runs and runs and runs what must be dozens of miles a day, and she looks really, really fit and beautiful.  One day I saw her at a local coffee shop, and in some fit of spontaneity I walked over to her and told her that although I don't know her, I see her everywhere, that I think she looks awesome, and is an inspiration to me to get my own ass in shape.

She was shocked.  Do you know what she said to me?  She said, "Oh... I wish my boyfriend felt the same way."  I can't imagine why her boyfriend doesn't tell her the exact same thing, but if for the rest of the day she felt beautiful, then I'm happy.

What if I looked for and delivered sincere compliments to the people that I encounter throughout my day?  If nothing else, won't I be spreading positive energy and smiles?  So, that's my self-challenge for this week.  To really look at people, to find something that I admire about them, and to tell them so.  If you are so inclined to join me, come back and let me know how it goes.

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*It would have made too much sense for me to research Complimentary Theory before writing this post. Instead, I did some reading after setting out my own haphazard thoughts.  I liked this article by Erin Berman quite a bit, and this article in "Psychology Today" in which Hara Estroff Marano writes,

"There is only one way to receive a compliment—graciously, with a smile. The art of receiving a compliment teaches us an important lesson about life. It tells us that how we feel is highly subjective, known only to us. And it isn't necessarily observable to the world. And often the world is better off without knowing how we personally feel. And so are we. Because the positive atmosphere created by a compliment, if we allow ourselves to inhale it, can be powerful enough to transform our feelings."